


What Happens in the Underworld, Stays in the Underworld?

by Cait_Sidhe



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Withdrawal, Crack, Gods, Hotels, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Morning After, Oblivious, Olympus Coliseum (Kingdom Hearts), Out of Character, POV Sora (Kingdom Hearts), POV Third Person, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever written, Underworld, pov Hades
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27974006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cait_Sidhe/pseuds/Cait_Sidhe
Summary: Hades discovers Kairi in the Underworld, searching for Sora. Hades really should have expected this when the brunette and his silver-haired boyfriend appeared looking for a place to stay; their entire demeanor had screamed "runaways". But, Hades was a nice guy, so he'd offered them a place to stay—which they'd taken full advantage of. Kairi was about to learn some unexpected things about her friends...
Relationships: Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	What Happens in the Underworld, Stays in the Underworld?

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a really silly thing I created with the help of some wine. It's probably ooc and fairly ridiculous; I hope it makes you laugh!
> 
> It takes place sometime after whatever the next installment is in a probably-fictional scenario where everyone is safe. Presumably the characters will all be of age at that point.

Hades stretched as he woke, cracking his neck a little; he’d fallen asleep on his throne. Well, at least he hadn’t slept through anything this time. Hades sighed as he rose from his throne, arching to crack his back.

Then, the god realized what had woken him: there was an intruder somewhere in the Underworld, which he could sense because it was his domain. 

Honestly, Hades should have expected this when the two brats appeared a week prior looking for a place they could ‘escape’ to. They probably failed to tell anyone they were leaving, and now had people searching for them, thinking they were captured or hurt when they were actually comfortably lounging in one of the cushy hotel rooms near the Underdrome—well, maybe not comfortably, as they probably had a huge hangover from the party Dionyses had decided to host in celebration of the newly-reopened Underdrome the previous night, as they had every morning the past week as they never learned. 

The reopening of the Underdrome was thanks to the two boys; they’d agreed to participate as the champion match of the Gold-level tournaments in exchange for a place to stay, although they probably should have been a higher level, considering that so far, no one had defeated them. Not that anything would happen if they did lose, thanks to Zeus only allowing the tournaments if no one died, but if no one could ever win the tournament no one would want to participate! Maybe Hades should have split them up instead of let them fight as a couple—er, team. Although ‘couple’ was probably accurate, considering the nature of their team attack and the purported late-night events of Dionyses’s party. Hades would have stayed longer if he had known something like that would happen.

Finally, Hades came across the intruder, who had somehow already reached the bottom of the elevated path through the ravine to Hades's throne room. It was a lone young redheaded girl, to his complete surprise, holding what appeared to be a flowery keyblade… wait, he knew her…

“You’re that chick Maleficent kidnapped,” Hades commented. 

The girl bristled, holding her blade out. “The name’s Kairi!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’m Hades, if you didn’t already know, and this is my domain, so get out.”

“No! I’ve tracked Sora here, and I’m not leaving without him!” Kairi declared resolutely.

Hades raised his eyebrows. “Sora, huh? Just him, not the other one?”

“Other one?” Kairi asked, confused.

“Yeah, his silver-haired boyfriend, remember?”

“What? Riku’s here, too?!”

“Sheesh, you’re not a very good tracker if you didn’t know that,” Hades pointed out. “Seriously, basically all of Olympus knows they’re here.”

“So you have captured them!”

“Yeah, no… so, how did you manage to get here?”

“I followed my heart!” Kairi said proudly. “Sora’s my true love, after all. Thinking about him created a pathway to where he is!”

Hades was sure his eyebrows had ascended into his fiery hair. “True love, huh?”

“Yup!”

“And you’re certain of this?”

“Of course! We shared a paopu fruit!”

Hades scoffed. “Oh, what, that stupid legend about destinies intertwining? Sorry, but that’s just legend. Nothing to do with fate.”

“So? It’s symbolic!”

“Symbolic, huh?"

"Yeah! People share them when in love and want to stay together," Kairi explained confidently. "It represents their devotion to each other."

"I see. And Sora knows this?"

Kairi gave pause to that. "Um. Yes? I think so?"

"Interesting. Hey, those key weapons are formed from the heart, right?” Hades asked. It’d be fun to mess with the girl.

“Yeah…”

“So if a combination attack created a giant rainbow one of those with the charm of a paopu fruit, that would symbolize the two people are destined for each other, right?”

Kairi frowned. “Um. I guess? Why?”

“Even more than sharing the fruit manually? Since it is formed from the heart and all.”

Kairi looked confused. “I mean, I guess so? What are you getting at?”

“Yeah. You are definitely not the one meant for Sora in that case.”

Kairi gasped. “How dare you! Sora and I are destined; that’s a fact. You can’t change that.”

Hades put his hands up. “Hey, I’m not trying to change anything. In fact, I’m trying to help you!”

“Help me? How does telling lies help me!?” Kairi bristled.

“Whoa, easy, tiger. It’s not a lie; that kid’s more bent than a bendy straw. You seriously have zero chance. Sooner you realize, the better for both of you.”

“How can you say that? Like I said before; we’re destined. You can’t separate us!”

“I’m not trying to separate you; I just told you, the kid doesn’t swing that way,” Hades said again. Couldn’t the girl pay attention?

“I don’t even know what that means, but I know it’s not true,” the girl said.

“Ah, so that’s the issue,” Hades realized. The girl honestly had no clue what Hades had implied. “Okay, let me put it a different way: he’s sleeping for the wrong team.”

Kairi’s brows scrunched in confusion. “Huh? That makes no sense. Sleeping isn’t a sport.”

“Playing for the other team?” Hades tried.

“Sora doesn’t play a sport.”

Oof, this girl was either very dense or very sheltered. “Let’s try again,” Hades decided. “He’s barking up a different tree.”

“But he’s not a dog.”

“Walks down the shady side of the street?”

“Sora likes the sun.”

“Salutes another flag? Light in the loafers? Queer as a three-dollar bill? Good with colors?”

Kairi just looked more and more confused. 

“Okay, guess I gotta be a bit blunter,” Hades concluded. “He’s a twink.”

Kairi looked at Hades blankly, miraculously still not comprehending.

“Fairy? Nancy? Nelly? Poof? Flit? Pansy? Pancake? Queen? Calamite? Fruitcake? Come on, you have to know what one of those means!”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t,” Kairi said apologetically.

Hades lifted his arms and sighed dramatically. “Oy vey! What, did you grow up under a rock? He’s gay!”

Kairi’s eyes lit up. Hades was hopeful, but then… “Oh! Yeah, Sora’s always very happy!” the girl stated.

Hades put a hand on his forehead. “You’ve got to be kidding me. No! No, that’s not what I mean by that!”

Kairi looked confused again. “Then what do you mean?”

“I mean he’s homosexual.”

Kairi tilted her head slightly, still clearly confused.

Hades threw his hands up in the air and looked at the ceiling. “For the love of… ugh!” He then looked the girl right in the eyes. “I mean, he likes banging boys, particularly a certain silver-haired one.”

Blank. The girl's eyes were blank. She still had no idea.

So, he’d have to put it even more bluntly. “I mean Sora and Riku are having sex.”

Kairi gasped in surprise. “What?! With who!?”

Hades took a second to process that. “With each other. The two are having sex with each other,” he calmly explained, wondering how the hell he’d gotten himself into this mess.

Kairi frowned in confusion. “Huh? But they’re both boys. That’s impossible. They don’t have the right parts.”

Hades stared at her for a moment. “You know what, I’ll let them explain that to you,” he decided, then briskly walked past the girl and grabbed her wrist without stopping, leading her to her friends.

*******

Meanwhile, Sora and Riku were collapsed on their shared bed in the cushy hotel room Hades had provided them. They had been trying to get time alone for months, but between missions and training and so many people now being around there simply hadn’t been any opportunity… Well, that wasn’t quite accurate. They did get some time alone, but they couldn’t ever go as far as they wanted, because there was a constant risk of being interrupted.

So, they’d escaped to a place where no one possibly would look for them. Here, there were no interruptions except for the occasional battle, but they had plenty of prior notice for that, leaving them plenty of time to physically explore each other to their hearts’ content. 

Well, when they weren’t incredibly hungover. Something else the two had discovered was that the situation created the perfect opportunity to go wild with alcohol and drugs, as there were no laws about that in the Underworld. There were parties sponsored by various deities every night, which of course the tournament champions were always invited to, so they were in no short supply of such.

Sora, stark naked, moaned as he slowly sat up, head spinning. “Hey, Riku, do we have any more of that headache stuff Eros gave us?”

“That wasn’t headache stuff, it was an intense psychoactive aphrodisiac that made us hallucinate,” Riku, also completely nude, mumbled into his pillow.

“Yeah but it got rid of the headache,” Sora pointed out.

“But we woke up with four sirens in our bed.”

“Yeah, that was fun,” Sora said wistfully.

“Debatable. Since you’re up, can you call Hades? He said he had something for headaches.”

Sora frowned. “He did?”

“Yeah. You were super high though so probably don’t remember.”

“Oh, okay,” Sora said, trusting that Riku knew what he was talking about. “I’ll go ask Hades then. Or maybe I’ll sleep more first… yeah, I’m gonna sleep. Riku, you go get Hades.”

“No need,” came a voice from the door, and in strode the God of the Underworld himself.

“Riku, you left the door unlocked,” Sora complained, still only half-aware of everything in his haze. What had he had the previous night? “Why are you here so early in the morning?” Sora then wondered.

“It’s past three p.m.,” Hades pointed out dryly. “Here.” He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and tossed it to Sora, who barely caught it. 

“What’s this?” Sora muttered.

“The panacea you clearly need.”

“Oh, right…” Then, Sora noticed the person who followed Hades in, and his eyes widened comically. “Riku, I think I’m still hallucinating.”

“What do you mean?” Riku said, finally lifting his head to look at Sora.

“Well… Kairi’s maybe here?”

Riku rolled over and shot up to sitting, turning towards the door to see. “Fuck!” he exclaimed. “Why are you here?!”

“Um…” Kairi stared at the two blankly, seeming to be in a daze.

“What did you do to her, Hades?!” Sora said, glaring as he tried getting off the bed and standing. Instead, he stumbled and got tangled in the blankets that had been thrown off the bed sometime in the night.

Hades raised an eyebrow. “Smooth, kid.”

“Answer the question!” Riku demanded, though didn’t move off the bed; instead he grabbed the pillow and put it over his crotch so Kairi couldn’t see his junk, blushing in embarrassment.

“Hey, she’s the one who came here, looking for you two. Not my fault your nudity traumatized her.”

Sora stopped trying to untangle himself from the blankets and instead stayed sitting on the floor as he moved part of one to cover himself like Riku had with the pillow, now blushing too. Then he remembered the panacea, and reached across the bed to grab it, which caused the blanket to fall right off again. Sora ignored this, opting to drink half of the liquid instead before handing it over to Riku, who did the same.

“Okay, so I’m just gonna leave Kairi with you two, mkay?” Hades said. “I tried to tell her you were busy, but she apparently knows absolutely no euphemisms or that gay sex is even a thing, so, I’ll leave that up to you two to take care of.” He gently pushed Kairi further into the room, then said, “Play nice, now!” before he quickly turned around to leave the room…

Then Hades turned right back around and pointed to a bottle of something on the nearby table. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Um… I dunno,” Sora admitted. “Melinoë gave it to us.”

“Melinoë, huh?” Hades said, then muttered under his breath, “That girl is going to drive me insane.” Then he strode briskly over to the bottle and picked it up. “This is not for humans!” He told the boys firmly, shaking it a little as he did so in emphasis… then paused. Hades frowned, held the bottle to his ear, and shook it again. “You drank from it,” he stated flatly.

“Well, yeah,” Riku said. “Why wouldn’t we?”

Hades paused. “One of you cut yourself,” he said.

Sora frowned, then started to inspect himself. “No, I don’t see any cuts… why, is there blood somewhere?”

Hades sighed. “No, I mean do it now. Just a little one is fine.”

“What?! No!” Riku declared.

Hades waved a hand. “It’ll be fine, just watch.”

Sora pondered that. If Hades was lying, they did have cure magic. “Okay,” he decided, then grabbed a nearby pocket knife which he wasn’t sure where it came from. 

“Sora!” Riku yelled, trying to tackle the boy to stop him, but it was too late—Sora slashed his forearm, deeper than expected with the distraction caused by Riku. “Why would you do that?!” Riku declared, preparing a cure spell.

Then, the silverette paused; he appeared immensely confused as he looked at Sora’s arm. Sora, now worried, looked at it too.

Blood didn’t flow from the wound. Instead, it was a pure gold, viscous liquid that trickled out slowly, then it spread around the cut skin and vanished, leaving no trace of the wound in its wake.

“What the…” Sora trailed off, unsure what was happening.

“Yeah. Congrats on your newfound godhood, boys. Enjoy the immortality. Now if you excuse me, I have a daughter to talk to.” Hades swept out of the room, closing the door in his wake.

Sora took a moment to process what was going on. Immortality? Godhood? What? Maybe it had actually been a bad idea to party with the gods every night for over a week. Also, "Since when does Hades have a daughter?"

Riku shrugged. "Beats me."

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on now?” sounded a strained feminine voice. Right, Kairi existed.

Sora and Riku looked at each other, then at Kairi, who appeared to be in shock. “So…” Sora said nervously. “I guess this is one way to come out, huh?”

“We’ll explain,” Riku promised Kairi. “But, can you please let us get dressed and, er, maybe clean up first?”

“No!” Kairi declared angrily, snapping out of her stunned state and putting her fists on her hips. “Explain, now.”

Sora looked around at the mess of the room. He wondered how much Kairi had guessed; well, from the cum stains on the bed and their clothlessness, she’d surely already concluded that the two were gay, that they’d had sex, and thus extrapolate that the two were more-than-friends… “Does anything really need explaining?” Sora wondered.

Kairi gave him an incredulous look. “Of course it does! Hades said some really weird things, like you two had sex, but that’s impossible; clearly you do not have the required parts.” Kairi gestured to the boys’ exposed crotches, to both their embarrassment. “So, I want to know what really happened, and why you’re even here in the first place!”

Sora blinked, processing Kairi’s words. She really didn’t know? “Um. Kairi… Hades was right.”

Kairi crossed her arms. “Haha, very funny,” she said flatly.

“No, he’s serious,” Riku informed her.

Sora suddenly realized something. “Kairi, you never had a sex ed lesson, did you?” Sora had gotten the info from Roxas’s memories, and Riku had been a grade above them in school which was when the curriculum taught it.

Kairi blinked. “Sex ed.? Wait… so that’s actually possible? You two have been having sex? Then that means… you only like boys like that?”

“Exactly!” Sora said, glad she caught on so quickly, then paused. “Well, actually, I think we did fuck some female sirens, but we were suuuuuuper high.”

“You were… high?” Kairi asked faintly. “But… you’ve never…”

Suddenly, the door burst open again.

“Sora!” came an anatidaen squawk, and Donald rushed in, staff high. “We’re here to save… you…” his adamant tone quickly trailed into to shock and confusion as he took in the scene.

He was followed by both Goofy and Mickey.

Sora rubbed the back of his head in a nervous gesture. “Hehe… guess we have some explaining to do…”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hope you enjoyed; I get really silly when drinking, and this is the result, lol.


End file.
